I love Gabor Matei's definition of trauma. It's not what happens to you, it's what happens inside of you, right? So to me there's an inherent relationality there where events that get processed, not any event, events with high emotionality, let's say, that get processed in aloneness become traumatic. And I think that's where it gets linked to responsibility.

So this is actually what my TED talk was about and why repair is so important. Who said this? Ronald Fairbairn years ago, that for kids it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. I think it explains almost everything about child development right there.

Going back to goodness also, your parent just screamed at you. And by the way, your parent, I scream at my kids, everyone's gonna scream at their kids, it's gonna happen, okay? That's just the event. The event's not gonna have the impact. What is happening for a kid? Well, we know kids are oriented by attachment.

They literally need us to survive. They could not survive on their own. And so what do you do when the person you're dependent on for safety becomes the source of danger and threat? That's very confusing for a child in that moment. So they're super hyper aroused, they're in this state of terror.

And then usually after in my house too, I just yell at my kid, they're kind of alone in their room. I'm alone in the kitchen or wherever, meanwhile spinning, 'cause I'm like I'm such a bad parent. Like I'm probably, you know. But meanwhile, because I'm so lost in my own guilt, I might not be going to my kid.

And so what happens for my kid if I don't repair after I scream at them or one of these events, right? Well, a kid cannot say to themselves, "My parent just had a bad day." Then the badness is in my parent. My leader, I'm young now, right, like I don't understand nuance.

My leader can't be bad. So I must take on the badness, at least then I have control. So kids, after they're kind of yelled at, in the absence of repair, they really only have two options for how to regulate and feel safe again. They can self-blame, "It's all my fault," which is why I feel like most adults when they have a hard time, they tell themselves like, "It's my fault.

I'm not good enough." It's like the legacy of that story from childhood. Or they use self-doubt. Maybe that didn't happen. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I can't trust myself. Again, it leads to adults who basically say like, "Did I overreact?" Or, "Let me call five friends. Let me see if they think what my boyfriend did was a big deal," because they can't trust themselves.

And so trauma, what I want every parent to know is they'll say, "I left my kid alone and I didn't pick them up at the soccer field. Is that going to traumatize them?" And I'll say, "Well, that's just the event. Did you say to them, 'Hey, that probably felt scary?

What was that like? Oh, you're right, like you were alone. Now all of a sudden, next to the event that was scary is my story and my connection. It got processed in a safe connection. It didn't get processed in aloneness." And that's a massive, massive difference. In this scenario, you are describing the parent who yelled goes to the child, having been that child and perhaps also having been that parent.

How do we deal with the fact that sometimes, you know, we don't want to be around the person that yelled at us? It hurts to receive the care or there's like a textured landscape as opposed to a smooth landscape there, like, okay, now you're ready for everything to be peaceful.

I'm still with my feelings. I guess that's where the "I believe you" comes in and that's where the sorting it through process begins. Is that right? Yeah. Well, I think it's like what version of a parent comes back. The first thing we have to do in a repair process is actually repair with ourselves as a parent, really.

Because if you haven't repaired with yourself, which to me is kind of separating your identity again from your behavior, like, okay, Becky, I'll use myself as an example, I'm a good parent who just screamed at her son, like, "I did not mess up forever." And you see when you try to repair with yourself, those two things get collapsed.

I'm like, "I messed him up forever. I'm a monster. Wait." Like, I'm a good parent who did something I'm not proud of. You can't repair with someone until you've repaired with yourself. They feel it from you. They actually – it usually is like then you're asking for them. I'll be like, "It's okay, right?

Like you forgive me, right?" That's not a repair. That's like using your child to try to do something we just have to do on our own or with other adults. But if I've repaired with myself, I'm going to show up in a different way. Might I have a feisty kid?

I might. He's like, "I don't care. It's not better." That's okay. I'm not repairing to get something from my child. I'm repairing to give an experience to them. So we can also get creative. You know, your kid is older. You text them. You slip a door under the note.

You say, "Okay. I just have to say this one thing." To me, this line really matters to like snatch that self-blame out of a kid's body. It's just like, "I'm sorry I yelled. It is – it's never your fault when I yell." And it's not. And people who argue like our ability to regulate our emotions predated our child's existence like that.

You know? Like they had something. They did something. And we felt frustrated. But that's very different than yelling, right? And saying that to your kid is so important. Meanwhile, the next day you might say, "By the way, let's really figure out how to get out the door in a smoother way." You know, you could work on whatever they need to work on.

But the reason I think most kids end up rejecting parents' apologies is it's not really repair. We're asking our kid for permission to be okay again. Or a repair sounds like, "Hey, I'm sorry I yelled. But, you know, like if you just got ready in time, it wouldn't have happened." Or we say, "I'm sorry you felt that way.

I'm sorry you felt that way." Those are not – like none of those are actually repairs. And if that's what a kid's been used to, they're going to keep a parent more at bay. So is it safe to say that we can always come back to making the kid feel real and safe?

I believe you as a great place to start. And the reason I keep coming back to these simple things is that – simple but very, very potent by the way – is that in the real world landscape of parenting, family and life, things are happening really fast. And it's very dynamic.

And it's multifaceted. I mean, we haven't even talked yet about how – when there's two parents, like the one that didn't yell. When there's multiple siblings, when – I mean, there's – you know, human dynamics on a one – in an other landscape is hard enough. And then when you start introducing the real world landscape, things happen fast.

So having something that people can reach to really quickly, what I call in the landscape of stress modulation, which is something that I'm more familiar with from my lab's work is, you know, real-time tools. Yeah. Real-time tools. Like we're all at our best after meditation, vacation, massage and a good night's sleep.

But what about real-time tools when everything's – everything's hectic? So what does a really good apology look like in the real world? Yeah. I mean, a really good apology in the ideal world of Instagram is, "Yeah, I believe you. I'm so sorry," with no buts, no this and that.

But a real apology sometimes is as you're boarding a plane or when there's a bunch of other things that are going on and you haven't even dealt with those yet. Or when you're on your way to an event or you – yeah, okay, so you get it. What does a really good internal landscape for apology look like?

Like how can we touch into where we need to be? And then what are the words that even if we have to try again later and again and again later with that person, in this case kid, but person more generally, what's the like go-to solid apology? Right. So, yeah, I think you are never going to go wrong saying, "I believe you," to your kid.

Like obviously not if you say it randomly. But if they're really upset, "You yelled at me," "I believe you," like if that's all you can remember, you're crushing it. I think a realistic repair, you have to do something for yourself. And like to me it can be a very simple mantra.

Like to me, "I'm a good parent who is having a hard time," is the one I use, honestly, over and over. And after I yell at my kid before – I'll like go to the bathroom sometimes and I'll say that to myself, "Becky, like I'm a good parent having a hard time." And I'll kind of say it as many times as I need until I really do feel something like shift a little in my body.

Because, again, I think that phrase separates what I did from who I am, right? And then to me a realistic apology, it could be super simple. If you remember nothing else, it could just be like, "I'm sorry I yelled." That's great. If you want to – if you're like, "I'm feeling it, Becky.

Give me that next step," you know, "I'm sorry I yelled." Just like you, I'm working on managing my emotions and, you know, next time even when I'm frustrated I'm going to try to stay calm. Something about the next time, you know, if you want to throw in that it's not your fault.

Kids – it seems an odd thing because parents are like, "Why? Do kids assume it's their fault?" It is their default position. And so it's never a bad thing to throw in. But honestly, just simply, "Hey, I'm sorry I yelled," that actually gives them that realness. Because without saying anything more, you're saying that thing you think happened did happen.

So that's powerful. Thank you for tuning in to the Huberman Lab Clips channel. If you enjoyed the clip that you just viewed, please check out the full-length episode by clicking here.