- How do you define a trauma and why do you think it is that traumas tend to lock us into a state that was representative of an earlier time? Why is it that it's so linked to this thing of time perception? - Yeah, the why question I can't totally answer, but it definitely is.

And for me, traumas aren't necessarily traumatizing. So something bad happens to you. And if you can access what you and Martha Beck were calling the self, capitalize, and you go to the part of you that got hurt by what happened, instead of pushing it away and locking it up, and you embrace it, and you bring it closer to you, which means going to your suffering, which is counter to what most of us try to do.

But if you were to do that and you could help it unload the feelings it got from the trauma, then you're not traumatized. What's traumatizing is something bad happens, these more vulnerable parts of us, the most sensitive parts of us get hurt or feel worthless because of what happened or get terrified, and then we lock them away because we don't want to feel that feeling anymore.

And everybody around us tells us to just let it go, just move on, don't look back. And so we wind up exiling our most sensitive parts simply because they got hurt. And then when you have a lot of exiles, you feel more delicate, the world seems more dangerous, 'cause anything could trigger that.

And when they get triggered, they'll blow up, they'll take over. So it's like these flames of raw emotion come popping out. So other parts are forced into these manager roles or these protective roles. And some of them are trying to manage your life so that you don't get triggered anymore, so that, for example, nobody gets close enough to you to trigger any of that.

Or so you look really good so you don't get rejected or perform at a really high level to counter the worthlessness. Many of those become the critics because in their effort to try to get you to look good, they're yelling at you to try and behave and do what they want so you look better.

And then there are other what we call manager protectors that are, for some people, particularly women, have these massive caretaking parts that don't let them take care of themselves and take care of everybody else. And so I could go on and on. There's a lot of common manager roles.

And I want to make clear as I'm talking about this that these are not the essence of the parts, and that's a big mistake that most of the field has made is to assume the critic is just an internalized, critical, parental voice instead of listening to it and hearing that it's desperately trying to protect you.

So none of these are what they seem. That's the role they've been forced into. And the analogy, again, is to an external family like kids in dysfunctional families are forced into these extreme roles that aren't who they are. It's the role they got forced into by the dynamics of the family.

So the same is true with this internal family. So most of us have a lot of what we call managers. They got us here. They help us in our careers, and they, other systems would call them the defenses or the ego. And, you know, in spirituality, they get vilified, too.

But their whole MO is keep everything under control, please everybody, and you'll survive. The world has a way of breaking through those defenses, triggering an exile. When that happens, it's a big emergency 'cause, again, these flames of raw emotion are gonna overwhelm you and make you have trouble functioning or even getting out of bed.

So there are other parts that immediately go into action to deal with that emergency. And in contrast to these managers, they're impulsive, reactive, damn the torpedoes. I don't care about the collateral damage to your body, to your relationships. I just got to get you higher than those flames or douse them with some substance or distract you till they burn themselves out.

So we call those firefighters. And again, these are just the roles. When released from these roles, they'll transform into being something very valuable. (upbeat music)