On Monday of this week, new video surfaced of NFL football player Ray Rice, a former NFL football player, I think we can say, at this point, who is seen knocking his fiancé unconscious in a casino elevator with punches to her face. It's very disturbing, and it undermines his previous story that he slapped her and she hit her head.

When this bombshell video clip released online this week, there was a chorus of outrage, of course, and it was unanimous. Rice has been suspended indefinitely from the NFL. He played for the Baltimore Ravens, who are playing the Steelers right now. And the Ravens organization now admits to a total failure in addressing the situation prior to the release of this video.

The football commissioner himself is under fire right now over the timing of when he was made aware of the graphic elevator video. Pastor John, from a creation standpoint, we believe God created men and women distinctly. So why do we all know inherently that men are not to mistreat women like this, but to protect and to serve them?

In this situation, what do complementarian Christians say to Ray Rice? Complementarians have a very special word for Ray Rice and the thousands of men like him. So let's clarify what we mean by complementarian so that the word will land with understanding. Complementarians say that men and women are different in deep and important ways, not just physical and surface ways, and that these differences that God has designed for our good have profound influence on the way we relate to each other and what roles God wants us to take up.

So the word complementarian, spelled with an E in the middle, not an I, it's not com-ple-mentarianism, but com-ple-mentarian. The word complementarian comes from being complementary to each other. That is, each being a complement to the other, like in ice skating in the Olympics, the moves of the man and the woman ice skater in the doubles complement the other and together make something beautiful to watch that is more than just each of them excelling on their own.

This means that complementarians don't think all the roles that are defined for us are based merely on competencies. So in a relationship, you don't just ask who is smarter or more articulate or physically stronger or faster or a better reader or neater and so on. You ask more significantly and more fundamentally, is the man as man, not just human, is the man as man created by God with a built-in deep sense, an inclination, a disposition, something deeper than cultural, deeper than societal, deeper than upbringing, a sense of responsibility deep in his soul to nurture and provide for and protect and take life-giving initiatives with the women in his life according to the kinds of relationships that they have.

Complementarians answer that question, yes, man as man, as God created him, not as sin has distorted us. Man as man created by God senses deep in his masculine soul, it is my special responsibility to show special care for and provide for and protect and be hope-giving and life-enhancing and woman-ennobling in the initiatives that I take in relation to the women in my life, knowing, yes, knowing that this will look different from one relationship to the other, say the woman who brings the mail to the house or the bank teller or the woman police officer or his wife or his daughter or his mother.

It's going to look different in all those relationships, but in every relationship, he will know himself to be a man relating to a woman, and he will shape his relationship according to these deep, caring, protective, honoring, initiative-taking, God-given impulses. So complementarians base all of this on the teachings of the Bible, teachings like number one, husbands, love your wives and don't be harsh with them, Colossians 319.

Or number two, husbands, you're the head of your wife as Christ is the head of the church, so lead her graciously, take initiatives the way Christ does. Or third, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. He gave himself to protect her. He died to save her, so die to protect your wife.

Or four, no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church, so nourish her and care for her and provide for her. Or five, honor your wives as the weaker vessels since they are heirs, fellow heirs with you of the grace of life.

In other words, don't let the fact that you could take advantage of her by your superiority or strength in any way incline you to abuse. Rather, let it incline you to honor her as a fellow heir of the grace of life. In other words, for complementarians, protection and care and vision and nurture and leading with life-giving initiatives are all ways that God has ordained in man's very nature for honoring women as fellow heirs of the grace of life.

And here's the crucial insight. Men don't become men on their wedding day. They are becoming men from the day that they are conceived as male, which means that all those beautiful burdens and responsibilities laid on men in marriage by the Bible are relevant outside marriage, before marriage. Because men are men and women are women outside marriage.

These relationships vary, how you play it out varies according to how different the relationships are. But these principles are always relevant, whether the issue is women in combat or women in an elevator alone with a man. So the complementarian says to Ray Rice and every other man with any woman anywhere, "Your manhood, as God designed you and as Jesus Christ, the Son of God, can remake you through a faith relationship with him, means conquer your selfish impulses with the realization that real men don't hit women.

Real men protect women. Real men don't use women to provide for their appetites. Real men use their strength to provide for the woman's good. Real men are not led around by the leash of their own temper, hooked in their nose. Real men master their temper and lead women out of harm, not into it.

And where men cease to be such men, real men step in and do what needs to be done." Amen. Thank you for that, Pastor John. This is a hard subject to discuss. And related to this theme of spouse abuse, this heinous sin, Pastor John, you wrote a detailed blog post to flesh out the biblical issues here in addressing this and the role of the police and the role of the local church.

You can find this by going to our website, DesiringGod.org, and search for the blog post, which is titled "Clarifying Words on Wife Abuse," which was published on December 19, 2012. This has been a special episode of the Ask Pastor John podcast. I'm your host, Tony Reinke. Thanks for listening.